I Am Allowed Pt. 2

Second installment of allowances: statements of self permission that allow you to live your life with a greater sense of agency and for a fuller experience of life's vibrancy.

Thank you for joining me on this I Am Allowed series, where we unpack fundamental, existential, God-given allowances, or essential statements of self permission that affirm your right to vibrant autonomy. Autonomy is simply the power to govern yourself and the freedom to make your own choices independent of outside control or desires (Oxford dictionary).

This series is not a covert soapbox for hyperindividualism. I am not writing to encourage you to become an island of one. The impact of community is immeasurable, though it has been linked to improved mental health and an increased sense of belonging and identity. Being connected to community positively supports emotional resilience and recovery. All these things and more make being apart of a community paramount for an individuals psychological wellbeing (psychologytoday.com).

It is important, though, to acknowledge that being connected to a group of people does not necessary equate to being connected to community. A community is a group of people with shared values, interests, goals and attitudes (Oxford dictionary).

Thus, it is important to identify when the difference in values and attitudes is too great. And in order to notice the difference, you first have to acknowledge and define what your values are, by allowing yourself the proper space to develop that definition. That’s where the autonomy comes in. You are allowed to define your own values. You are allowed to make space for them. You are allowed to find your community, but it starts with you.

1. I am allowed to define who I am beyond my circumstances.

   

   Your story is full and your story is still going. Let it. Keep moving forward. The past is worthy to be considered and acknowledged as you move forward. It doesn’t need to define who you are now nor who you are becoming. It's a part of your story, but it’s not the whole story.

   
   The last job I had, I didn't tell anyone about my deepest hurts, not until around the time I left the position. I wasn't intentionally hiding those parts of myself, it just never came up. I didn’t have to hide the complicated parts of my story, but I was allowing myself to enter into a new chapter. What came up was my dedicated work ethic, my high levels of patience, and my ability to adapt in unplanned circumstances. The focus wasn't on what I couldn't do, what I should've done, or how someone else would've done it better. The focus of my story shifted as I continued to show up for myself. My story started shifting away from the pain and onto my resilience. What I've gone through influences my choices and how I approach the world, but past situations do not encompass the entirety of who I am. My definition comes from how I navigate through life, despite my circumstances and because of.

   
   Being in extreme circumstances shows you what you're made of. You are made of star dust, (literally). So, the space you occupy doesn’t define you. It's all about how you fly and shine through it. In essence, you are allowed to be defined beyond your circumstances.
   

2. I am allowed to make and learn from my own mistakes.

   

   Ever since I included this one into my inner monologue, I get a little excited when I “mess up” now. Any embarrassing moment or time where I feel like, “Ooh, I could’ve done that differently,” my brain moves to a place of excitement when I used to feel shame. I slowly start to smile now, because with every misstep comes the realization that I just learned something new! Just like how a baby has to fall a few million times before it knows how their feet interact with their world, I find joy in learning myself, learning how my mind operates in situations I’ve never been in before, but want to experience again.

   
   We each have our own idiosyncrasies. The sense of community comes in when you are allowed to share and learn from each other what each has learned along their own path. It is not the same as a group individuals following a solitary path of “wisdom” out of a conditioned fear for feeling life for themselves. I am allowed to learn, and learning exists beyond structure and location. Someone might have advice for me to consider but I don’t need to “buy their wisdom” from their own lived experiences in order to live a full life for myself. You are allowed to make and learn from your own mistakes. Sincerely, that’s what you're designed to do.
   

3. I am allowed to set boundaries with those who have helped me.

   

   Boundaries don’t have to be “I don’t want you to ever speak to me!” out the gate, (as in, as you start your setting boundaries journey). You can always build up to that, but hopefully you don’t have to if the early ones you set are properly respected. A boundary with someone you love can look as simple as, “I can help you right after I finish this project I’ve been working on. It’ll take 1 more hour, then I can be there for you.” Setting a boundary is not a vicious act. I say this for the people who’ve been convinced that advocating for yourself equates to animosity and turmoil. Setting a boundary does not have to start at the extreme. The extreme becomes necessary when all the other boundaries of varying degrees have all been repeatedly crossed.
   
   If your boundaries are repeatedly not valued, acknowledged, or respected, that's a sign to be aware of who is surrounding you and stand in your truth. Keep advocating for yourself, even if those around you won't. And advocate for yourself to yourself. You are worthy of being considered. Your wants and needs matter. You are not being unkind by caring about yourself. You are not being disrespectful by disagreeing. You are not rude when you respect your own time and schedule. You matter.
   
   Gratitude and self respect are not mutually exclusive, either. You can be grateful for the impact someone has had on your life while also respecting what you need to do in order to progress and move forward. You are allowed to set boundaries with those who have helped you, in grace and in gratitude.
   

4. I am allowed to be excited for my future.

   

   This one has layers, like any good life cake. The first layer is about envisioning a future for yourself and what to do when you voice that vision outloud. Even if those around you meet you with negativity or try to limit your thinking as to what you can achieve and what is truly possible, you are allowed to be excited for your future, anyway. You’ve taken the time to really see the possibilities. Their lack of vision does not and should not define what you know is possible. You are allowed to see for yourself how far you can go and feel the excitement that builds each time you decide to trust yourself to move forward.
   
   The next layer is the internal conversation you have after you decide to save the energy you spent trying to convince those around you of possibilities and pour it back into pursuing the vision without the need for external validation. Trying to expand the vision of those around you takes more of a toll on our own vision than we realize. Than I realized. Once I stopped fighting to be understood, I needed to address the need to be defensive. I spent so much time preparing for arguments that once I stopped having them, my brain was still repeating the negative language and possible responses. That is what was occupying my mental space: the fight for the vision as opposed to just focusing on the vision.
   
   After you’ve been in survival mode for so long, and you’ve fought to get to a place of safety (physically and emotionally), there comes a time when you look around and realize, you’re allowed to think past the next day. You’re allowed to plan for your future, because you have one now. You fought for it. For clarity. For alignment. As you reflect on how far you’ve come and who you needed to become in order to be where you are right now, you’re allowed to get excited about how far you can go.
   

5. I am allowed to outgrow relationships and environments.

   

   You know that saying, “grow where you're planted.” There are different interpretations, but the fullness of that statement is revealed in plants, flowers, turtles, fleas, fish, sacred texts, etc. There comes a point in a flower's journey when it must be repotted in order to grow to its fullest potential. So naturally, grow where you are planted, but know when it's time for a new pot.
   
   When you look around taking inventory of your goals, attitudes and values and you find misalignment with your surroundings, this is the part when you move forward - whether that be from a job, a relationship, a church, or even a familial system. Turtles have the capacity to be bigger if they have the space to do so. Fleas have the ability to jump higher if they're allowed to. Trees have the power to flourish if they are given the chance to fully show us what they're capable of. People who say stagnation and compliance will be the key to your success are attempting to control the rest of your story before you even get a chance to fully live it out. Don't let them. You have capacity for more. You can feel it.
   
   Give yourself permission to acknowledge your own depth and capacity for life. Know that your capacity does not have to match the capacity of those around you. If you're not growing where you are, it's time to find a different pot. It’s time to be replanted. And that is a beautiful thing! You are ready to elevate! You are ready for expansion! Naturally, you are allowed to outgrow relationships and environments. You are allowed to keep growing.
   

6. I am allowed to take my time.

   

   As I build my life, as I follow the vision I have for my life, I realize I may not be the fullest flower in the flower garden. But with this allowance, I don't have to be. Knowing that I'm allowed to take my time helps me see how much my roots have grown since I started prioritizing my own stability. So much work must be done under the surface before you're able to start sprouting. I feel like I am now budding in life as of 2 months ago. Am I where I want to be in every area? No. Am I on my way? YES! I can remove any outside pressure or expectation because I know the truth. Everyone has their own path. I’m allowed to be on mine, which is right where I am supposed to be. Every sequoia was once a seed. As you grow into you, no matter where you are, you are allowed to take your time.

That is all the unpacking that I have for you, but I have all the faith in your ability to flourish, to progress, and to be yourself. You are allowed to flourish. You are allowed to progress. You are allowed to be.

Thank you for being here. Truly.